Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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