I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
