I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
