My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
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She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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