I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
