Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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