wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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