No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
