fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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