and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize