I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
