Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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