my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
