It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
