Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
