i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
