it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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