how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
