So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
