do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
