I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
