I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
