We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
