Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
