we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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