There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
