There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
