you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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