So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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