Pants 0. Shit 1.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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