I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
