the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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