i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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