look no pants
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
