You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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