I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
