so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it's like iHOP with fire
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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