I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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