I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
