Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
