where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
