i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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