I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
