proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
