found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
