Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
