I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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