I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
