so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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