You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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