hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
