Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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