My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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