just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
