Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
