why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Panties = found
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