were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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