Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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